Inspector Columbo investigates Biden

After the fictional interrogation of President Putin, Inspector Columbo asks President Biden the same thing – after lengthy research – but with different omens. 

Peter Hanseler

After the fictional interrogation of President Putin, Inspector Columbo asks President Biden the same thing – after lengthy research – but with different omens. 

Biden: You know I wouldn’t have to make a statement at all. We had nothing to do with the matter. The press says so too. Everybody agrees with us. 

Columbo: I’m glad you found time anyway. There are some points that confuse me and I’m sure you can help me here. About the press: Truth, unfortunately, is not a democratic mechanism – the majority can also be wrong. 

Biden: Then fire away.

Columbo: Yes, uh. It almost seems like the Russians don’t have the slightest least interest in destroying their own pipeline. 

Biden: You don’t know Putin! He’ll do anything to throw the world into chaos. We have known that for years. We have always helped the Russians. And then, all of a sudden, they invaded Ukraine. 

Columbo: Even their foreign minister Blinken said that destroying the pipelines was a “great opportunity”. 

Biden: Did he really say that? Well, now that the Russians are out of the gas business, it’s true. 

Columbo: And the former Polish defence minister thanked the US. 

Biden: He should, we have always supported Poland. 

Columbo: Aha, this attack on their energy umbilical cord is of no use to the Germans. Energy umbilical cord does nothing – on the contrary. 

Biden: The Germans should thank us. We can supply liquid gas. 

Columbo: But that’s much more expensive – even before the crisis it was 30 per cent more expensive. 

Biden: But it’s also better. “Put the tiger in the tank” – and it’s more environmentally friendly to boot. 

Columbo: On 7 February you literally said, “If Russia invades, Nord Stream 2 will no longer exist. We will end it.” 

Biden: That’s typical Putin. He destroyed his pipeline just to hurt me. 

Columbo: Practically at the same time as the pipelines were destroyed, the Baltic Pipe from Norway to Poland was opened. 

Biden: There you see it: the free market economy works! 

Columbo: But it only brings in 10 per cent of the volume of the Nord Stream pipelines. Nord Stream pipelines. 

Biden: Exactly, and then our liquid gas comes into play – all no problem for Germany. 

Columbo: Before the attack, NATO manoeuvres were taking place in the Baltic Sea. According to the publication Sea Power, one of the main objectives of the manoeuvres was to test underwater drones. After the end of the manoeuvres, the American special ship “USS Kearsarge” did not leave the area. Rather, this ship stayed near the scene. 

Biden: We have the largest fleet in the world – we are everywhere. 

Columbo: Helicopters from the “USS Kearsarge” have been patrolling around the island of Bornholm since the end of August, and the flight path of the helicopters coincides exactly with the course of the pipeline – this is evident from publicly available geolocation data. 

Biden: We wanted to protect that pipeline – we just didn’t manage to stop the Russian attack. 

On his way out, Columbo thinks to himself: “Well …”

Inspector Columbo investigates Biden
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